The two photos in this post are about three years old. I was blonder than I am now. I was younger. But I think they still show you who I am.
I am out of most people’s focus. Most of the time, I like it because, let’s face it, I am not good at being the center of attention. At least not when it is for a prolonged time and when I feel that I have to repay the same amount of attention given to me.
It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that it takes a lot of energy to do it. You can guess: I am an introvert.
My dayjob requires of me that I oversee school children, sometimes there can be up to 100 or I am responsible for a group up to 30 kids, all by myself. This drains me. I was not trained for it, I was not prepared (I studied linguistics and literature. I studied drama and education. I was prepared for thought, not action).
But I was also not trained for unemployment and so I do my job and I think I’m not too bad. The kids love me (when they don’t hate me for saying no and making them stick to the rules). I get along with my colleagues.
It is not who I am or who I want to be.
I consider myself an artist. Always have. Always scolded myself for being so presumptuous. I have gotten over that because I have grown older. Turning 34 helped. I am confident in my abilities and my mind. I know who I am and who I am not. I can stomach criticism.
I have plans. I want to write and publish books, so I sit myself down every day and toil in front of my Mac. I write. I hate it. I love it. I cannot afford to wait for the muse, I have to make it a habit, it is work. I understand this. And more often than not, the muse pays a visit. Then I am in heaven.
I have several ideas for photography books. I have folders and sub-folders.
I don’t talk about these things, though, do I?
And this is where we come back to me being not good at it. I am not good at telling people: look I have this idea for a novel even though I currently see it rather as a script. I might have to rewrite it when it’s done. I am quite happy with the idea in general but am also very doubtful I am good at executing it. What is your opinion? Look how great I am, let this all be about me me me.
Please, no. What if their opinion is: don’t care. Or: Sounds weird to me. What if they simply dismiss it as unimportant, not understanding that they dismiss me along with it? Plus, in the end, I am doing it for myself.
I keep silent. I write, by myself. It can be lonely.
So let me tell you, that I do just that: I write a novel I want to re-write as a script and I have another one that is waiting for me to finish it.
I said it. *exhales dramatically and wipes off sweat* Even though you still don’t know what it is about but this is a step I can never take with a WIP.
I am also currently handing in submissions for last years’ novel. So far I have three ‘no thank you’s’. They didn’t hurt. I expected them and they were very polite and encouraging to not give up. Nobody knows this but you, you are the first I told. Maybe because you are far away?
Which brings me to social networks…you guess what I’ll say? Not good at it. I read, but commenting…well most of the time it’s all been said, so why repeat it? It doesn’t mean I don’t care though. *waves introvert flag* I only say something when it matters. I’m the silent one, the observer and you might not have heard from me in two weeks or more but this doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you a lot.
Do I post on Facebook/Twitter/tumblr what is going on? Do I tell people how I worry for my mom when she’s sick? How I am desperately trying to live a life that is me against the pressure of society and its view of what a real life has to look like? How all the lifes I cannot live make me sad?
No…because I think it’d depress them, it is my issue and what could they say? I’m just a bit too dramatic most of the time.
I’m not the one who is invited to parties or kept in the loop. It’s okay, I probably wouldn’t attend all the time anyway, but it would be nice to be considered. Because I care. I just cannot give as often as others might. Keep me in the loop. And please, sometimes, just ask me how I am because I’d never call you and say: look, I feel like crap.
I sit at home, read or write about it. I take photos. Like the one above, I have a whole folder of shots of me, expressing in one shot what I couldn’t say.
This is who I am (or at least one important aspect…don’t forget the geek and fangirl, the Shakespeare lover and cat mom, the horse person and feminist). I thought, since you follow me, you might want to know.
I mostly post photos. I post about books. Or TV shows. Because those things matter to me. I can hide behind them, express myself through them.
I will try to post more about my projects.
If you are interested, please feel free to read those posts.