Wesley during the solar flare

Wesley - The Window Session

Wesley - The Window Session

Wesley - The Window Session

Wesley-The Window Session

Wesley-The Window Session

Wesley - The Window Session

My boy. He was so sleepy.

I had to take care of some stuff, so I wasn’t posting anything, sorry about that. I was looking for an apartment and didn’t find what I was looking for so I had to make due with one for rent and the next weeks will be spent buying furniture and moving.

I have also started working on another novel while I am preparing to send out one I have finished. This is the worst part, because I feel the need to protect my baby from the harsh judgement of reality.

When I’m not writing or looking for furniture, I try to get back in shape (my newly acquired asthma is annoying) by riding my bike, doing lost of swimming (my fave so far) and of course horseback riding.

I’ve also added some new books I’ve read to my Goodreads page (link is in the sidebar).

And that’s about it basically. I really am trying to post more, but life is busy, which I’m sure you know a lot about too.
*signs off to write some more*

This is a post about me

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The two photos in this post are about three years old. I was blonder than I am now. I was younger. But I think they still show you who I am.

I am out of most people’s focus. Most of the time, I like it because, let’s face it, I am not good at being the center of attention. At least not when it is for a prolonged time and when I feel that I have to repay the same amount of attention given to me.

It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that it takes a lot of energy to do it. You can guess: I am an introvert.

My dayjob requires of me that I oversee school children, sometimes there can be up to 100 or I am responsible for a group up to 30 kids, all by myself. This drains me. I was not trained for it, I was not prepared (I studied linguistics and literature. I studied drama and education. I was prepared for thought, not action).

But I was also not trained for unemployment and so I do my job and I think I’m not too bad. The kids love me (when they don’t hate me for saying no and making them stick to the rules). I get along with my colleagues.

It is not who I am or who I want to be.

I consider myself an artist. Always have. Always scolded myself for being so presumptuous. I have gotten over that because I have grown older. Turning 34 helped. I am confident in my abilities and my mind. I know who I am and who I am not. I can stomach criticism.

I have plans. I want to write and publish books, so I sit myself down every day and toil in front of my Mac. I write. I hate it. I love it. I cannot afford to wait for the muse, I have to make it a habit, it is work. I understand this. And more often than not, the muse pays a visit. Then I am in heaven.

I have several ideas for photography books. I have folders and sub-folders.

I don’t talk about these things, though, do I?

And this is where we come back to me being not good at it. I am not good at telling people: look I have this idea for a novel even though I currently see it rather as a script. I might have to rewrite it when it’s done. I am quite happy with the idea in general but am also very doubtful I am good at executing it. What is your opinion? Look how great I am, let this all be about me me me.

Please, no. What if their opinion is: don’t care. Or: Sounds weird to me. What if they simply dismiss it as unimportant, not understanding that they dismiss me along with it? Plus, in the end, I am doing it for myself.

I keep silent. I write, by myself. It can be lonely.

So let me tell you, that I do just that: I write a novel I want to re-write as a script and I have another one that is waiting for me to finish it.

I said it. *exhales dramatically and wipes off sweat* Even though you still don’t know what it is about but this is a step I can never take with a WIP.

I am also currently handing in submissions for last years’ novel. So far I have three ‘no thank you’s’. They didn’t hurt. I expected them and they were very polite and encouraging to not give up. Nobody knows this but you, you are the first I told. Maybe because you are far away?

Which brings me to social networks…you guess what I’ll say? Not good at it. I read, but commenting…well most of the time it’s all been said, so why repeat it? It doesn’t mean I don’t care though. *waves introvert flag* I only say something when it matters. I’m the silent one, the observer and you might not have heard from me in two weeks or more but this doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you a lot.

Do I post on Facebook/Twitter/tumblr what is going on? Do I tell people how I worry for my mom when she’s sick? How I am desperately trying to live a life that is me against the pressure of society and its view of what a real life has to look like? How all the lifes I cannot live make me sad?

No…because I think it’d depress them, it is my issue and what could they say? I’m just a bit too dramatic most of the time.

I’m not the one who is invited to parties or kept in the loop. It’s okay, I probably wouldn’t attend all the time anyway, but it would be nice to be considered. Because I care. I just cannot give as often as others might. Keep me in the loop. And please, sometimes, just ask me how I am because I’d never call you and say: look, I feel like crap.

I sit at home, read or write about it. I take photos. Like the one above, I have a whole folder of shots of me, expressing in one shot what I couldn’t say.

This is who I am (or at least one important aspect…don’t forget the geek and fangirl, the Shakespeare lover and cat mom, the horse person and feminist). I thought, since you follow me, you might want to know.

I mostly post photos. I post about books. Or TV shows. Because those things matter to me. I can hide behind them, express myself through them.

I will try to post more about my projects.

If you are interested, please feel free to read those posts.

 

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a little something on my novel before running off to The Hobbit 2

I am probably changing my female antagonist to a male antagonist. This came to me over breakfast while I was drinking vanilla flavored black tea (which isn’t as disgusting as it sounds).

My female protagonist is 12 years old and she is being bullied at school (amongst other things). Things happen. And her life is being threatened and she almost dies. And over breakfast it just made sense, I can’t tell you why, that it could be a boy her age, threatening her. Not because I think boys are naturally evil, it’s more complex than that in the story (but telling you why would spoil you…or is it spoiler you?). Anyway. This means LOTS of re-writing, but I’ll give it a go.

I’ve also combed my way through recommended agencies and have compiled a list which I’ll have to structure. I’m nervous. But it’s fine. First the re-write. Then deciding which version works better. Then writing the query letter etc. And then I’ll be a nervous wreck for weeks and probably a puddle of tears after being rejected by everyone but at least I tried. 🙂

Also, the new idea for the new novel is still in my head and refusing to leave. I shall begin it after the re-write and after Paris.

To Nano or not to Nano

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Each year since 2005, I am contemplating the National Novel Writing Month. With the exception of two years or so I managed to finish the 50k. And mostly, the things can’t be shown to anyone, lest they go insane or decide I needed professional help and saw to it that I got it.

Don’t believe me? In a novel I once set out to write about a city, a dystopia kind of thing. I got stuck and suddenly in marched the frogs. And as if that wasn’t stupid enough, those frogs were actually Vampires which had been turned into frogs by witches who were incompetent.

I even have a cover for that:

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That is Nano for me. Craziness, letting go of my inner censor. Just write.

Now, this year, I have already written one first draft of a novel. The second first draft is almost done, because it was a remnant of a previous Nano attempt which I never finished because life got in the way and I simply gave up. So, Nano is good in that respect as well: it provides the ideas for novels that should be written given time.

So I’m not sure whether I should attempt Nano this year or not. I want to because I love the community and that I’m not alone. Plus I have another Work In Progress (who am I kidding, I have tons. Beginnings are easy), which I am itching to finish. Also a Nano relic I never got to finish and which I had to cut in half (the first half: usable, the second: not really). So I might just do that, finish it.

Which would in theory leave me with three first drafts, which I’d edit in the following year. Which will be hard, because as much as I love the editing part (that’s where my university training kicks in), I love telling new stories and I have so many ideas that all want out and so little patience. *sigh*

Anyway, to Nano or not to Nano? That is the question. Do you?

In which I talk a bit about me.

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In Audrey I trust. Always. And she’s right.
I also read a book years ago in which someone wrote, sadly I don’t remember title or author, that ‘fear’ basically means ‘False Events Appearing Real’. Which, excepting the case that you are being chased by a bear/dinosaur/vampire/etc and in which case I suggest to give over to fear completely, is also true.

I know my fears very intimately. I am my worst enemy most of the time. I’ve agoraphobia but have been fighting it for the last decade and I think I’ve won. Most of the time anyway, but I can deal. I’ll even travel to Paris next year, all by myself. (I’m refusing to dwell on that for the moment, though. I have some time left to get really comfy about this).

Apart from that I am very ambitious. I have the highest expectations of me and the things I create, be it photography, painting, horse-back riding or writing.

Neat isn’t it? So much hide behind. I can never succeed because I’m soooo scared of the outside world. And btw I am also not there yet, the novel/photograph/painting needs more work done. It’s not perfect. It’s not good enough. Yadda yadda blah blah.

Dear self, it’ll never be good enough. It can only be the best you could do at that specific time. Some people will like it (and thank God I was able to learn this by sharing my photographs). Some people will think it’s utter rubbish. So focus on those that like it, who are potentially out there.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I’ve written a novel. One that I feel confident about. One that I would love to share. I’m only at the first and a half draft. It’s still growing and working its magic inside of me, but I love it so much that I think: the hell with it, I’ll share it.

Not yet, though. It’s not done. Until it is, I am working on novel two. I have started writing the story a while back but then maneuvered myself into a tight spot and have given up. Now, I’ve figured out how to get out of that and it feels good. Powerful. Wonderful.

So, be warned, I might just babble on about that too. Not just photographs. But also, how the writing progress is going. There might be facepalming and headdesking. There might be a ceremonious burning of the manuscript of doom.

I hope in the end though, it might be a done story. A book hopefully. I studied literature for a reason.

And I’ll try to focus on being possible.

Do you have a project like that too? If so, I wish you all the best and let me know about it, if you like.

Until then, enjoy the last days of summer (or whatever season you are currently in).

Cheers,
Jenny